Managing Self-Doubt - 40 Weeks Pregnant

 

Yesterday I was overtaken by the reality that I’ve known to be coming for almost a year now. I don’t know what it was in that moment that made things feel so different; so palpable, so present, so here and now. I kept using the word scared in between streams of tears, but even know I know that it wasn’t fear that I was or am feeling.

I wrestled with fear almost a year ago.
Fear of change,
Of the unknowns,
Of our own life being altered,
Of feeling differently,
Of not knowing who I am anymore.
I’ve walked with my fear,
Spoken with it,
Resolved the hold it had on my heart,
Learned to walk through it.

I am not afraid of the change you are about to bring.
I am not afraid that I won’t know what to do.
I am not afraid of losing a piece of who I am.
I am not afraid of sharing you with the world.

Looking and working through the overwhelm right now, I can only deduce that it’s a small seed of self doubt that sparked my wave of emotions that decided to crash down around me last night.
It’s being on the cusp of something so incredibly large that my mind can’t even quite comprehend it.
It’s being face-to-face with something that we’ve been walking alongside of for the last 10 months.
It’s making real into physical form something that has only ever been felt or heard up until this point.
It’s a transformation so unknown that I can’t even fully grasp what it all means.

I don’t think this feeling will fully go away,
And I don’t want it to;
Because this process isn’t about suppressing my fears,
Or my worries,
Or my self-doubt.

This process is about surrendering despite feeling all of those things.
This is about feeling all of those feelings and still making the choice to trust myself.
To trust you.
To trust my body.
To trust the timing.
To trust all those who have gone before me.
It is in these moments of self-doubt,
Fear,
Unknown,
Or self-wavering,
That we truly transcend further than we could ever even fathom.

 

 
Kaihla LafondComment