Why Can't I Feel Present?
There’s always been this feeling within me telling me that what I have is never quite enough; and that I will never be able to fully settle down anywhere. This feeling, however, isn’t a positive one, nor is it something that I feel is guiding or aiding me down my path.
As a child, I lived in the same home for almost the entirety of my life; rooted in the same safe space. After leaving that home and moving out to attend post-secondary school, I then ended up moving around and living in five apartments throughout the duration of the following seven years. Looking back now, I can see that that was the start of this nagging tug between the present and the future. It gave birth to this fear that told me never to settle down fully because I wouldn’t be there for too long. It stirred up this uneasy feeling within me, and this unquenchable thirst for some sort of balance. Some souls are meant to roam freely, to wander forever with an insatiable hunger for adventure and the unknown, falling asleep in various timezones throughout the entirety of their lives.
But for my own heart--and I can feel this now more than ever--I crave a permanent sacred space. A space where I can finally sigh off the unsteady and tiring burden that my shoulders have been carrying for the past eight years. I know that the key to my dilemma does not lie in an actual physical space, perhaps having my own home and space will aid in balancing out the chaos that bounces around in my very human brain; but there’s so much more that I can feel I should be able to do now, today, this moment, to calm the intangible chaos that I so often feel buzzing around in my heart.
Today, as the snow began to fall outside, and I watched the oversized flakes fall to the ground so peacefully, the juxtapositions that I’m feeling so heavily in my heart began to rise to the surface. They bubbled up as clear as the light of the full moon. They illuminated the worries that ring so true. As they arose one by one, I felt sad, overjoyed, thankful, more sadness, embarrassment, and hope. These fragments of my heart are the building blocks for whatever my soul is ready to create; they are the pieces of me that need to be broken down before I can build anything up again. They are the very real and transparent truths that are keeping me and my heart so unbelievably stuck.
I am wedged between:
Overflowing in all of the richness of this life and somehow still feeling like it’s not enough.
Focusing on each day as it comes, but also rushing to get to the “next thing”.
Wanting to squeeze every moment out of life, yet fearing that it’s all just slipping away.
Trying to stay rooted in the present and being tugged continually to look ahead.
Being so proud of the life I’ve created and yet feeling as though my lifestyle is a burden to those around me.
Standing firmly within my own grasp on life, yet wondering what my purpose is anyway.
Feeling so grounded within myself and feeling so unbelievably lost.
I know that there is nothing physically that will begin to pry me out of these emotional and mental traps, nor lead me down the right side of this precipice.
There is still so much for me to learn, so many new internal practices to be shown and guided to. The only peace resides in turning inward, So like the trees shed and die in the winter, And the snow falls calmly to the frozen ground, These honest truths are my own inward calling, And like the trees accepting the changing of the seasons, I too shall adopt and practice patience, My forever-present teacher.