These weeks have been tough
For the past couple of weeks, I've felt the tug of delving back into blogging really pulling me back to the computer; I've missed daily and weekly casual/journal style posting, and if my feeling is correct, then I'm thinking that being at home most days with babe is going to catapult me back into the blogging that I've always loved (and have recently been missing).
To be honest, the past three weeks have been a whole lot of different things; today they are manageable, and last night's sleep was actually really great; but, there's been a big chunk of days where things have just been super super hard. If you've read this instagram post, then you know what I'm talking about. I've experienced probably the widest span of emotions that I ever have in such a short period of time; it's a huge mix of feeling unbelievably smitten and in love one day, to feeling extreme frustration and exhaustion the next. Above all, I think what's been pulling at my heart the strongest is the sense of losing myself. This feeling isn't something that I'm too unfamiliar with, as I've felt it before throughout pregnancy; but instead of having an answer, or rediscovering myself after the birth of Birdy, her birth seems to have put me right back into the throws of attempting to figure out who I am and I find myself floundering just as much as I was throughout my pregnancy.
Last week was particularly hard on the whole self discovery front; there were countless times throughout a coupe of the days where I found myself thinking:
"Is this what the rest of my life looks like now??"
"Did we make the right decision in having a baby??"
"How did I get here??"
"I never wanted to be a mom who stayed at home all week."
These thoughts flooded over me in waves, as just as quickly as they washed over me, they also then faded back to where they came from. There's a part of me who feels guilty for thinking them, or to admitting to them for that matter, but at the same time it's really just the truth of what happened and how I was feeling.
I've been trying to give myself grace throughout this whole process; attempting to remember that we're all still learning, that she's still just a few weeks old, and that these feelings aren't going to last forever; but much like anything in life, it's not always easy to believe what we tell ourselves.
Regardless, my goal through all of this is to move through it as honestly as I can; to document these times, feelings, moments, milestones, and more both publically on here, and privately to her (in her journal that I started for her long before I was even pregnant). Thank you endlessly for being here, for your words of encouragement that a lot of you have sent my way during the harder times, and for the support during the easier times.